I can't let him touch me
by rjwritergirl
Summary: What happened the night of Anna's rape? Set the night between 4.03 and 4.04. I got the idea when Anna told Mrs. Hughes "I can't let him touch me," and Bates said "I can't come near you." Those lines told me that Bates had tried to touch Anna and possibly apologize for snapping at her in the Servants hall. I'm labeling this with a trigger warning just in case!


In my rewatch of the last episode this short one shot came to me. Since it deals with a reaction to a rape, I'm posting a trigger warning, just in case.

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She had hoped that she'd fall asleep before John got home, but she should have known that she wouldn't be that lucky. "Anna?" John stepped into their bedroom. "Are you asleep?"

Anna couldn't see him as she was facing away from him looking at the wall. Technically she could stay silent and lied to him about being asleep, but with the horrible secret she was keeping inside she couldn't manage to make herself lie to John about being asleep. "No, I'm awake."

As John slipped into bed, she scooted over as far as she could. "Anna?"

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry for snapping at you earlier."

"It's alright." Anna said. "I shouldn't have reacted the way I did." _I should have listened to you_.

She started as she felt one of John's hands land on top of her. It traveled down her body, skimming her side and thigh. She usually loved feeling John touch her. After what happened she couldn't stand it, but she had to. She had to stand it, to protect John from the noose.

John shifted closer, pressing up against her back. She took in a deep breath, willing herself not to pull away from her husband, like she had earlier. "I really am sorry Anna, I shouldn't have talked to you like that. You're the love of my life, I should never talk to you like that." She shuddered as he pressed a couple of kisses to the back of her neck. She lay still and tried to figure out a way to deny him without letting on that something was wrong. He continued to kiss her neck, his hands still moving. She winced as he brushed a particularly bruised portion of her ribs. He pulled back and she breathed a sigh of relief as he did so, maybe she wouldn't have to deny him. But then she felt him gently gliding her nightdress up her body. With a barely concealed squeak of fear, she gripped it to keep him from pulling it off.

"Anna, let me show you how sorry I am." He released her nightgown but his hands moved back up her body. She shuddered as his cupped her through her night dress.

"John..."

"Anna, my sweet, I'm so sorry." His voice was low and if she hadn't been attacked she would have melted at the love in his tone. "I'm so sorry for snapping at you in the servants hall. I should never have spoken to you like that at all, much less in front of everybody." There was a pause, "I just...I saw you laughing with Mr. Green and he's younger then I am and better looking."

Anna could hear her blood pounding in her ears, she could faintly feel John caressing her. She hated the touch, and hated that she hated it.

"You could do so much better then me Anna." She could feel John nibbling on her ear, something that normally would have made her forget any fight they'd had. "He's not broken." There was another long pause. Anna knew he was waiting for her to deny that he was broken, but she was so frightened she couldn't speak the denial he was waiting for. "Please, my sweet? Can we make up?" The pleading tone made her turn.

"Jo-" she was cut off by John's lips upon hers. The kiss was soft and she knew it was John who was kissing her. She knew it wasn't Green, but that was all she could think about. She froze and pushed him away. "Don't!" her sharp tone surprised even her as she pulled away from him, moving to the edge of the bed.

"What?" John was surprised. "Anna, what's wrong?"

"I was going to tell you. I don't want to, tonight John. I hit my head, I don't feel well." It still came out sharper then she'd intended and she tried to calm down. She had to calm down. She had to protect John from going back to prison. The moonlight showed the hurt in his eyes. She bit her lip and tried not to cry. "I'll feel better tomorrow."

"Alright, I won't force you."

"I know you won't." she said as she turned over. She lay there, trying to sleep but all she could think of was John and how he never would have approached her and kissed her had he known what had happened. He would have moved into the spare room for as long as she needed him to. If she could guarantee that he wouldn't kill Green, he would have reacted perfectly.

"I love you, Anna."

Her mouth worked as she tried to formulate a response. Words that had come so easily to her that morning were unable to be spoken. But if he knew, would he be saying those words? Would he say those words once he knew she was spoiled?

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_Please Review!_


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